After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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