According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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