another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
