I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
