Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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