I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
