There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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