In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
