I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
