Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
