Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
