In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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