worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
