i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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