i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
