i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
