you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Randomize
