I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
