dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
