Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
