My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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