Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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