i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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