I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
