The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
