I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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