she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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