is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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