i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
that may or may not have been my penis.
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