I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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