I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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