I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
