Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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