All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
