Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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