remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
