it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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