Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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