They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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