She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize