Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
