I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize