apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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