dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
