I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
