Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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