This is not my ceiling
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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