i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i may or may not be watching the land before time
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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