So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
