That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
