I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
