Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
