i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
