i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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