i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
