I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
