I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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