im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
