Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
